Month: February 2019

Free Mental Health Monday

February 12, 2019

I started it yesterday, so back off. I know it’s Tuesday.

I see patterns of behaviors and responses in my work as a counselor. Recently an old enemy seems to be re-visiting more frequently. Other people’s approval is the seemingly indelible scourge in so many lives. The desire to be liked by others or agreed with or something similar can be very destructive. It can be, if you let it.

In other works and speeches I think I have been clear that I don’t really give a rip about what people think about me. I am not special, nor do I have super powers or a protection spell covering my brain. Nope, I am this way due to getting really tired and worn out years ago trying to make people happy. Darn near made me batty. Instead I make my own choices and my own decisions and enjoy my own successes and I own my problems. There are a few people in my life that I listen to, but that list is very short. Through experience, they have earned the right to speak into my life. As a thanks, I try very hard to be on their list.

Are there some people in our lives that may rank a little higher on the PA Scale? (I just made that up, Pay Attention Scale, seems good) Yes, I think there are a few folks that could be in the running for the PAS (see, it flows!) ((OK, I’ll stop…))

Parents, bosses, friends, authority figures, teachers all seem to be a decent place to start the list. Maybe they deserve a chance to speak into our lives without any prior experience with them. Give them a shot.

What about the guy in the grocery store one line over who, out of the blue, calls you hippy? True story – that happened to me. It is a long story, but thank God I do what I do for a living. I quickly ran through a checklist and determined that he was not under the influence, I did not know him and he did not seem to be suffering from an obvious mental illness. What does that leave? Hurt people trying to hurt other people. I looked at him and said, “It looks like you are having a bad day, can I help?” The guy didn’t take me up on it, but that’s not the point. The point is I didn’t get upset at the comment, because I didn’t care about the comment. He did not know me. I look how I do because I like it. 

Sweepers and Keepers. It seems like quite recently I wrote about this somewhere, but it deserves to be kept in the forefront as a decent defensive measure. Aside from some of the folks who might deserve a little grace on their opinions about us (like the list above), I would offer that you give everyone else the Sweepers and Keepers test. People will tell you early and often whether they care about and respect you. Repeat, people will tell you early and often whether they care about you and respect you. For example, let’s say you are on a date and the person says something that bothers you. Well, since no one on this planet has perfected mind reading, I suggest you tell the person that you did not like what they said. Among other things, this is called boundary setting and it is critical skill to develop and practice, especially when dealing with other people. Cat’s don’t seem to care, but that is a whole other article…

Now that you have put the person on notice, they have a choice to make about whether they respect or like you. Should they continue to repeat the same offense, you have to ask yourself, Sweeper or Keeper? If you choose to keep them, then just know that you are going to be offended and hurt some more by them in the future. AND by not defending the boundary, you are teaching them that they can do it more and more. Rules are so useless without consequences.

Got it? Really, it is pretty simple. The reason why people don’t put something like Sweepers and Keepers into practice is the reason that I get paid. People are dented and tarnished. For some reason, at some time in their lives, someone who shouldn’t have — that same someone told them that they didn’t matter. They trained them to keep reaching for the unattainable. Keep trying to fill a bucket with no bottom. Keep trying to perform, get A’s, get the crown or the goal or the job or the whatever in order to be like by someone that was supposed to LOVE them unconditionally. Yup, due to those early trainings by hurt people (remember, hurt people tend to hurt people) people fall into a few predictable categories. Either they stay victims or they become bullies. A few are resilient and come through unscathed.

So, let’s go out and practice. Decide on what you want in your life, set boundaries with people and defend the boundary. Don’t keep losers and hurtful people around to repeat their offenses. Poop stinks just about every time you choose to sniff it. If you need some more help or guidance on this subject, I suggest you spend a little time with a therapist. It’s what we do.

Love Y’all!

 — R. A. Grier

It’s ok

February 05, 2019

It’s ok, really. Even the stuff that isn’t ok, is ok. Why? Because, I looked outside and the sun was up again today and my cat meowed. Dirt was still there on the ground. There was a light chill in the air and I saw a few birds. Sort of like this time last year and the year before and the year before that. Look around and you will see that the stuff that is real doesn’t really change much. The chaos and cataclysm that I hear about on TV, social media and echoed from the mouths of some folks I meet ALL comes from artificial constructs. I have been saying it for a long time. Reality is a pesky constant. Cultural and social constructs are whatever we make them which also means they are changeable. They could be good and pleasant, but we are making them bad. Let’s stop. Things are ok if we allow and make them.

Welcome to a new day! A new set of everything! As I venture into 2019, I, like a few others, want to continue to better myself through introspection and calculated life changes. One of those changes I am working on is to try to ratchet down rhetoric and catastrophizing in my world. I won’t be the first to say this, but I absolutely want to co-sign the sentiment that we are getting out of hand with our statements, accusations and embellishments in this Country. A cursory look on various pages, boards and other media will quickly yield salacious, accusatory, divisive blah blah.

Relax, America is in existence and will be for the foreseeable future. Our economy is mostly good and stable. Our culture is mostly good and stable. Our educational system is mostly good and stable. We have what I think is the best healthcare and access to healthcare on the planet. We are engaged in science that touches everything from fuels, to soil, to food, to healthcare to space. Our police are mostly good. Our politicians are… ok, they are mostly sort-of good. We are ok. It’s ok, really it is. Can we do better? Heck yes, and I pray that we won’t ever stop trying. But, just because we aren’t perfect, we shouldn’t think for a moment that we are terrible and look for perpetrators. I challenge you to look for responsibility and accountability where it matters, in the mirror. 

For the record, I am pretty sure I have been guilty of some strong rhetoric in the past. I realize that I have a responsibility with my words. Growing means that you are better, stronger, faster, wiser, smarter etc. than before. The definition has a built-in premise that at some point you were less than, not as wise, not as informed and you made changes to be more than, wiser and more informed, etc. Cultural concept change – Let’s shift the focus & celebrate the progress and outcomes. Please, let’s not operate in what isn’t anymore. For example, Johnny used to be a punk. He got his butt handed to him a few times and he has decided that punkdom isn’t the way to go. Let’s work with the new Johnny. Let’s not define him eternally as the punk that he once was.

Personal growth statement of principle — If I believe I am to have influence, then I must be responsible for managing that influence. I am open to new information and I am open to thinking and acting in new ways. Echo chamber thinking doesn’t allow for new information. Not all information is good for me, but I can’t reasonably believe that I know everything there is to know. I desire to and am capable of learning and growing. With that, I will make mistakes and do things that are to be corrected. I try not to cast too many stones, because I am constantly guilty of something and I need to manage my own faults first. I am allowed to help others with their mistakes and faults and learning, provided it is done in a way that increases health, promotes well-being and advances the culture.

So, as we go forward into this new year, I want to encourage folks to join me in ratcheting down the catastrophe talk. Let’s view difference as a potential opportunity. Let’s be less scared. Let’s be more confident. Those two things don’t come with price tags that we must collect from others. Our society, our country and our mutual existence & relationships are not zero sum gain events. I can go forward without having to take from someone else to get there. I can be better and grow without tearing someone or something else down.

In recent years I have had to help people ease into a new way of thinking with baby steps and stating the obvious. Sometimes I will use disclaimers. The disclaimers for the lawyers and wannabe lawyers out there — I am not saying overtly or covertly that everyone is good or wants to be. I am not saying that we live in a perfect world. I am not saying that all cops are great people. I am not saying that our current President is wonderful or even good. I am not saying that people don’t do things that they need to be punished for.

What is the standard to which we are held accountable? Everyone can’t be right at the same time. Can we exist in a confined space (let’s say 3.9 million square miles) together without feeding on each other in order to exist?

Thinking through a plan here.

It’s ok to add to your world if it doesn’t take away from someone else’s world. It’s ok to have things. It’s ok to want. It’s ok to have dreams. It’s ok to pursue happiness. I don’t have permission to take from anyone, whether it’s things or power.

Maybe that can be a standard to operate in for a while. I am not in charge though, we are. One person doesn’t rule another nor should they. I don’t gain by taking and you aren’t permitted to do that to me either. The sky isn’t falling. But it will if we make it. We all have a say in that. We determine a lot. We have been yelling fire and foul for far too long. The most control you have and the most power that you have is within you. Control your thoughts, words and actions. Be responsible for you. Be accountable for you. Today, take a deep breath. Tell yourself that it’s ok. Really, it is. We have places to go, things to build and lives to enrich. Hurt, hate and selfish will get in the way of those things. I am willing to only HELP you. Are you willing to only HELP me? I am willing to do my part. Are you?

— R. A. Grier